Thursday, January 31, 2013


Let me introduce myself.  I am Amber.  I am a 36 year old wife and mother.  We were typical.  Married young, bought a house, had a dream, but we weren’t happy.  So 10 years in, we upgraded…bigger house, better community, better jobs, but we weren’t happy.  Then in July 2011, we found out we would be adding a baby to our long time family of 2.  Ecstatic and scared shit-less all in the same moment.  I think this increased the urgency (at least for Brian ) in the need for a big change.  I didn’t get it at the time, though it’s hard to see much of anything past your own belly when 8 months pregnant.  It truly becomes a time of self- consumption.  I had difficulty meeting Brian’s needs during this time and for months following Truman’s birth.   Looking back it’s not that I didn’t see him struggling, I had simply become unsympathetic and closed off.  Maybe other Moms can back me up here, after delivery (even during pregnancy) the changes you experience feel almost out of body.  I didn’t look like myself.  I didn’t smell like myself.  I didn’t feel like myself.  I felt sleep deprived, depressed, and lonely.  For months, I continued to experience numbness in my hands as well as pain…even when holding my beautiful son.  I was horribly lonely, I felt as if everyone’s lives had gone on while time stood still for me.  And I became more withdrawn. 
Brian was experiencing his own struggles during this time.  He had accepted a new position (a promotion) at the corporate job he had been working since 2007.  Though he was well known for his work, he had received little recognition in the way of compensation for his efforts.  The one saving grace was the job’s flexible allowance to work remotely.  When this option went away with new management and a change in company policy, the “grind” of long days and commutes to and from the city on top of an emotionally unstable pregnant wife left my husband experiencing an emotional crisis of his own.  Where he should have found solace, he found cold nothingness. 
The first stop in our journey…Radcliff, KY.  This is the current home town of our very dear friends Mike and Katie.  We are stopping here to place two of our long time furbabies in their new homes.  Our plan was to stay here about 2 days, but it’s been almost a week.  I think our visit maybe helping them as much as it is healing us.  It’s nice to catch up with old friends.  There are plenty of baby holders.  I had not realized how absolutely exhausted and rundown I had become over the last several months.  I am sitting on the screened in back porch of our dear friends.  Their dogs are playing fetch with a rogue tennis ball in the back yard.  The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and the temperature is near 60…and it’s February.  Inside my husband Brian and our son Truman are resting via a peaceful afternoon nap.  For the first time in months…I’m not anxious, but calm.  I've tossed in a photo of the infamous "porch of relaxation".  What is a get together with old friends without good meat, good cheese, and good alcohol :D!