Brian suffers from PTSD. It has triggers. This morning's was getting overly hungry. Impressively it ended quickly, but this is not always the case.
It's actually been a rough couple of weeks. By the time I got home on March 31 from work, Brian was already a half a case in. He drinks to self medicate. A cycle he has been trying to break for many years now. And then he got too hungry. Sometimes meeting his demands take some extra financial foot work. Because I had been paid with a check, I had to go to Target to make my purchase and get cash back using my target debit card. This would also require a trip to the bank first thing the next morning to cash said check and cover purchase that would likely come thru the following business day. My days as a banker pay off regularly. Knowing the ins and outs of my checking account, I am able to use it efficiently and if fees are assessed they occur because I have planned it. Sometimes a bank fee out weighs a disconnect or a repossession. Anyhow, they only had one lane open and this was followed by the original restaurant being closed. By this time Brian was in full hypervigilant mode. I quickly grabbed Wendy's and headed back to the appartment. I raced the food up to the door and then made the few trips necessary to unload the essentials I had picked up from Target. When I returned to the apartment Brian was throwing food and ranting seemingly unaware that Truman was cowering nearby. I scooped up Truman and anxiously asked Brian to calm down. My first mistake hade been my unsympathetic text, this was my second. My inability to remain calm escalates most episodes further. I waited for the food to work it's magic, but it was too little to late. He was beyond the point of return. At some point I got Truman to bed in the chaos. I don't know how he sleeps through these things.
Anyhow, Brian continued to escalate. In the end he destroyed two laptops, a monitor, a mouse and damaged our television. Though I don't feel threatened I find these outbursts just as scary as if I were being hit. He left the apartment briefly, returned, and began emptying our medicine cabinet. He then took 12 Sudafed as well as possibly some NyQuil and Benedryl. He confirmed taking them verbally, so I called 911. Before the ambulance could arrive he was up and out the door. Calling 911 was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But the assumption that he would jus"sleep it off" wasn't one I was willing to take.
They assured me he would most likely be fine and what signs to watch for in case he took a turn for the worse. Brian had either returned or been found. He was checked out and came back inside. The episode was over, but his frustration with our situation continued for several more hours...now stimulated by the Sudafed...basically speed. One of Brian's biggest complaints is that we can't afford things we need and therefore I am failing to take care of us as I had promised. Brian and I made a decision in April of 2013 after 8 months and 2 previous episodes of down time lasting 3 years a piece that it was time to take a new approach. Brian would apply for SSID so that he could take the time to kick this condition in the butt once and for all. This would also provide the additional financial support needed while he heals. It's now been over two years since he initially filed. Our last declination received in June right before we moved. You know something is not right when a SSI employee tells you to get a lawyer and actually writes down a number of a good one. The waiting is the hardest part. Brian knows he can make good money and support our family, but at was cost to his mental health?
We both need contacts and I need new glasses. Brian had a tooth removed and has a denture, but needs a more permanent replacement. This has already been estimated at close to $3K. Since we are a family of 3 that has gone from living on close to $100K a year to less than $25K a year, I struggle each month to make ends meet and yet I fail more than I would like to admit. It's depressing to think of glasses as a luxury.
At times this life is so frustrating. I have been trying desperately to keep Brian calm and peaceful, but once he crosses over, there is little I can do until is passes. Remaining calm has helped shorten episodes length, but not eliminated. A recent article on BPD helped place my own actions into a list. I am attempting to adopt the techniques to our own situation. One recommendation was to constantly check your own level of calm. By continuing to check my own EQ I feel better about my actions and responses.